i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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