Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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