im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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