You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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