i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize