tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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