see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize