Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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