We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
