just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
