someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
