cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
