there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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