I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
