This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
