So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
