There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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