i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The power of my boobs compel you
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
