Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
