Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
