no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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