Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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