I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
