Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
