did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
