Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
