he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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