Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
