Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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