I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
