thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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