some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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