ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
