I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
