And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize