Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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