I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
