i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
