Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
