how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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