I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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