why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize