Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
