the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize