On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
