I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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