Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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