I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
