At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
