I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
