Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
