So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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