i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Welp...herpes.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
