Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
