just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
