all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
