Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize