I'm jealous of your bromance
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
