Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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