Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
