i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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