Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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