the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
