May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
