the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
