I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
