Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
