I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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